Principles of (bad) conversations

1. We acknowledge one another as equals.

Remember to acknowledge everyone as equals, if you expect them to be able to listen intently (and so remember what has already been said), follow-up with what they have listened, and speak concisely and not hog air-time. But don't worry, because chances are that they won't,  so this is your opportunity to clobber the conversation.

The dangerous thing is to treat everyone as stupid or 'unequals', because if you do so, you will be too forgiving and patient to have a bad conversation.

2. We try to stay curious about each other.

Always wonder why on earth would they want so much to be right, since there are much more to learn from being wrong! Don't be fooled by their wanting to clarify themselves and that they have been frequently misunderstood.  Always be curious about why and how much ego they must have to not to want to listen to you, especially when you are older than them. Remember to insist that they are the egoistic one and not you. That way, you frustrate them and then they will blow up into a really bad conversation.

3. We recognize that we need each other's help to become better listeners.

This is your great opportunity to speak at length in your best English in complete sentences and to describe every nook and corner of your idea in monumental detail, to show others how clever you are and to teach others to be patient in listening. Reprimand them if they dare interrupt your speech. That way, they will have a lot of time to listen to you.

If you do this well enough, you may actually even get to listen to yourself. Learn how to speak general nothings in eloquent English, so that the conversation will still sound  impressive without getting into being good.

4. We slow down so we have time to think and reflect.

When the conversation is converging too quickly to a point, slow it down by throwing in some general statements to keep it divergent. Like, " there is no right or wrong answers", "there are many views and there are many ways of looking at them...", or "Over here, we all have different opinons, but we learn to accept everyone...".

But remember to say something that sits on high moral grounds and that is not contentious. The best way to do it is to quote from some famous motivational speakers and seminars you have attended. That way, you sound impartial and credible, and at the same time , throw everyone out of their tracks towards some understanding on converged points. So preferably, what you quote should be something out of context, otherwise you risk enlightening everyone. This is also to give them time to think and reflect instead of worshipping some singularly boring convergent 'truths'. 

5. We remember that conversation is the natural way humans think together.

Conversation and thinking are natural. They are as natural as crying out loud or walking over to the other person who disagrees with you and giving him one-tight slap! So don't break the spontanaeity. Even if you know that some speakers are spewing utter rubbish and wasting everyone's time, BE NATURAL! DON'T BREAK THE SPONTAENITY!

6. We expect it to be messy at times.

Yes! This is when you congratulate those who crack vulgar and irrelevant jokes at critical points of the discussion. Tell them that they are helping the rest of us get out of our tunnel visions and out of the box. Not doing so will allow everyone to flow too well into a good conversation. No, no, no, we can't have that!

Lastly, there is this mother of all principles of (good and bad) conversations. In fact, if you master this one, there may be no conversations to start off with. It goes:

"Maturity begins when we're content to feel we're right about something, without feeling the necessity to prove someone else is wrong."    --  Sydney J. Harris (1917-1986)

Note: This post is a parody of "Principles of Conversation". It shows that we can also learn from negative demonstrations. Also, points made on politically correct high moral grounds can still be twisted anyway you want if there is malice. I hope this article can be taken in the spirit of learning, albeit an unusual one. In other words and in the context of this post, the essential ingredient of a good conversation is compassion. Compassion = kindness + wisdom.

ps. Wrote this on my iPhone while waiting for relatives to visit me on Chinese New Year's Day.  As you probably suspect, nobody came!!  Guess they don't like bad conversations!

Bucky Group 40 - Rules

This week, we listened in to Barry Schwartz on "The real crisis? We stopped being wise."

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Discussion:

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Joo Hwa said that what he likes about the talk is that, "Rule number 1, there are no rules"

Someone else continued that there are always rules, but we must use our commonsense to see what is practicable. However, I think that the word "commonsense" is precisely what bureucrats are afraid of.  "Commonsense" has to be defined.

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Here, Ralf brought out the book "Common Sense", written by Thomas Paine in 1776, that set off the American Revolution.  

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Wikipedia defines 'Common Sense" as "...consists of what people in common would agree on: that which they "sense" (in common) as their common natural understanding. "

Jo brought out his experience of handling exceptions in the travel industry in that it can be used as a competitive edge. Customers take delight in having their exceptions well handled.

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Jn replied that however, exceptions can be tedious to deal with and businesses may not like to end up spending too much time on exceptions which is a lesser occurence.

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Jn shared her experience of her company's rules on not accepting cash from customers due to past abuse. Jn has a client that works six days a week as a food stall attendant and is too tired to go to the bank to send the money. She doesn't have cheque books and doesn't know enough English to transfer money via the ATM. In view of that, Jn accepted her cash, but ended up being hauled up by her management for breaking the rules. Jn suffered a black mark in her company, but till this day feels that it was worth breaking that rule in that instance as she put the customer first.

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In my example as an information security policy manager in the past, we accept applications for waiver of certain policies by applications project managers. In it, they will explain why they can't follow certain policies and we will discuss and decide if we approve the waiver. Periodically, we will examine the statistics for the number of application for waivers, the number approved and determine if it is the policy that is not practical. If so, then we change the policy.

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Jn brought out the example of the mainland Chinese buyer of the two fountain heads of a rat and a rabbit, at the recent Christie's auction, and then refused to pay for them, in order to sabotage the auction. These two fountain figurines were looted by the European occupation forces during the Ching dynasty in China. 

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W had a young employee who on the first day suggested that she can bring her previous clientele to her. W didn't accept to do that as she thought this is not morally correct.  However, this is a standard practice in many industries. Private Banks poached senior private bankers just for their clientele. It is such an open secret that it is almost standard practice.

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It is such a common practice that some people even childed me for being naive and impractical to stick on to some moral values. Unfortunately, some personalities of such exploits and financial successes are amplified by the media as 'heroes'. What we need are more moral heroes, not just money heroes. And this moral heroes can be just ordinary folks.

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I have an experience with the 'auntie' selling three packs of tissue papers for one dollar at Tampines MRT station. That morning, I had only ninety cents of change and decided to just give the money to her. She refused and insisted that I take the tissue paper. I told her I couldn't do that as I had only ninety cents and not one dollar. Then she insisted that I take at least 2 packs of the tissue paper. I think she is a moral hero. Despite her visible abject poverty, she would refuse to accept charity and free money.

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Jacy also brought up an example of someone who advised her to park her car at the higher floors instead of the more danger prone lower floors. He doesn't have to do that, but did that as his moral responsibility.  That too, is a morally heroic act.

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To round it up, I would say that as Dr Aaron have said, if we put Love first, the things will naturally falls into place. When we put Love first, we will know which rule to break or not to break.

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Exercise: Can you share about your experience with a moral hero or someone you know of that who is  fit to be one? Send them in as a comment. Let's start the ball rolling of recognising moral heroes.

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Buck Group 8 - Self Esteem

In the old communist Eastern Europe, revolutions were born in cafes and pubs. Here in Singapore, the Bucky 'revolution' happens in this tiny hair salon where Joo Hock serves. This is the place where we gather on Saturday mornings for our Bucky education, before the salon starts its business.

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This week we watched a documentary movie on "Self Esteem", based on the thoughts of Monsieur Michel de Montagne who retired at the age of 38 to become a full-time philosopher in France. He mentioned particularly about people who has a complex about their own bodies, leading to their loss of self-esteem and also that formal education, even in the elite Oxbridge colleges don't teach students about how to become wise. Michel call such graduates mere 'blockheads' and opined that it is possible to be wise without formal education.

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I feel that some of the points brought up in the movie are perhaps more of a lesson to Europeans who are overly conscious about their body and its natural functions like farting or making other noises whilst in the toilet closets. Asians tend to be more natural about those processes. Perhaps even a little too easy about them. So, you get a fart here, a spit there...etc.

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This lead to Joo Hock's Teochew poem that goes...

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Translation...

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The Farter is the gentleman

The Laugher is the small man

Fart is bodily gas

Not farting will injure the body

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(You are allowed to laugh at this poem...)

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I had once taught in a local polytechnic. In my classes, my lessons were mainly experiential.

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In my exams, I refused to have multiple choice questions as I have rarely encountered (if at all) any problem in my life that has four multiple choice answers with one of them correct and three others definitely wrong. Instead, most of the time, all the answers are wrong, and it is up to us to make it as right as possible.

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Also, all my questions are scenario based. The scenario is described in the question and the students are to describe how they are going to solve the problem. So it could start as : "What is the question, given this scenario?" or rather, "What is the problem?" or "Where is the problem?"

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I had also taken great pains in conducting oral interviews with each student individually, to let them learn how their suggested answers to the problems measure up.

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Sadly, after a year, I was ejected out of the course. The students complained in the feedback forms that I didn't know how to teach. So, it didn't pay going the extra mile to make the students think. Incidentally, my favourite lecturer from another polytechnic quit in frustration. He said that the system encourages teachers to take the safe route by giving easy lessons and easy exams. *sigh* No wonder we produce 'blockheads'!

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Here's the new Bucky Group T-Shirt...

The Bucky Group meets every week:

Saturdays:

8-10am at Hair Affair, Basement 1, The Adelphi, Opposite Funan IT Mall, Singapore

Breakfast, book reading/movie, discussions and brunch

Sundays:

7-9.30am at MacRitchie Reservoir

Jogging, book reading and discussion and breakfast

All welcome. No membership and no payment required. Agreement and belief is not necessary. Just turn up with an open mind to explore.

Past Posts:
Bucky Group 7 - Thinking Out of the Box,

Bucky Group 6 - Specialisation,
Bucky Group 5 - Independent Thinking,
Bucky Group 4 - Local, Global and Universal-Penang Hill,
Bucky Group 2,Bucky Group,
Usury 2b - World Game,
Usury 2a - World Game,
Usury 2 - World Game,Usury,