Spiritual Parenting - The Seminar

This posting is based on what I have learned from the "Spiritual Parenting" seminar on the 26th May 2007 in Singapore by Dr Aaron Lim.

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Warning: This posting contains opinions that may be considered unacceptable by some people. If you are easily offended by unconventional views about religion and spiritualism, then DO NOT READ FURTHER THAN HERE. If you do, then do it at your own risk! If you do not agree with the views expressed below, it does not mean that you have not 'arrived', rather it just mean that you 'do not agree'. Meanwhile, try to be open. There are lots to discover about ourselves when we are open. Do feel free to leave comments.

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BELIEVING IS NOT NECESSARY!
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I am a Parent and a Child
Many of us forget that while we are parents, we are also children - Children of our Parents! So, before you would say something to your child, think, "What if my parent say that to me?"

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How many of us here have asked our parents before we come to this seminar?

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[Chuckles and laughter...]

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So we shouldn't stop our children from doing what they want to do.

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Recycling

Everyday, people die; Everyday people are born. Re-incarnation is happening everyday.

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How many of you here believe in Re-incarnation?

[Many hands came up.]

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Rebirth?

[the same many hands came up.]

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Recycle?

[more hands came up, amid chuckles.]

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If you find it too religious to think of it as rebirth or reincarnation, then take it as recycle.

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Everything in the Universe goes through recycling... the trees shed their leaves, it goes to the ground and into the soil to grow the tree and other trees...etc.

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So, there is no such thing as a 'past life', but just an energy stream changing from form to form - that is, we have past embodiments.

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Choosing our Parents

Our children also have past embodiments. They pick their most likely parents most like themselves in consciousness. They choose their parents to fulfil themselves.

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That is why couples go to beautiful romantic places for their honeymoon, so there are no spirits with low consciousness lurking around waiting to take form as their children.

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You can 'design' the children you want. First change yourself to be like the children you want, for they (your children to be) will be attracted to you to be your children.

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People with 'low consciousness' ('low' here refers to 'low in love', not as in 'low class') have many kids. Because people with low consciousness take any soul willing to manifest as humans.

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People with 'high consciousness' have few kids, because there are not so many such souls around.

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[I asked: So, if there are a few souls willing to manifest as one's child, which one gets to do so?

Answer: The one who wants it the most and nudged the rest out. It is akin to the millions of sperm swimming to get the egg.]

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Fulfill your Child's Needs

So, there is no need to force the kids to go to school if they don't want to. Children are always older souls than their parents. They have already learned many things in their past embodiments. If they are slow in learning something, it means that they have not learned it before. They will show resistance to subjects not learned before.

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For instance, I have a PhD in Botany, but I am hopeless in maths. I love biology, but not physics and chemistry, because there are maths in the last two subjects. So anything with maths, I would show resistance.

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So, release the struggle. Stop the fights. A parent's job is to help the child fulfill themselves. It is easy to be a father but difficult to be Dad. It is easy to be a mother, but difficult to be Mum.

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It is an "upside down world" where "old is young"; "clever is stupid"...etc.

Our children are from an older soul; and some clever people are so smart that they are seen as eccentrics by many, and therefore are called 'stupid'. Children are here to teach us.

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Here someone share his experience... see Kids Play 3
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Ask yourself, "What can I learn from my children?"

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Tell your children, " Thank you for teaching me."

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How many of you have told your children,

"If I had known I can have a child like you, I wouldn't mind having a million of you. Thank you for choosing me as your father. You brought me joy!"

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Someone from the Audience: "Yes, after your last 105 Universal Law lecture, I did that. My son was so happy and we hugged."

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[Isn't that wonderful!]

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Switch from 'Ownership' to 'Stewardship'.

Stewardship serves to enhance others lives. As parents, we steward our children to go to school to be learn to be useful and to be valuable - not to 'earn more money' - that is the worse thing to do. Money always go to people who are valuable. People who are valuable always stick to agreement.

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So it is important that we strike agreements with our children and stick to them.

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For instance, we have an agreement with our children that if they want their clothes washed, they must bring it down from their bedrooms to the laundry room downstairs. One winter morning, one of our daughters come down searching for her socks, but couldn't find them. Then we realised she hadn't brought her dirty clothes (therefore her socks) downstairs to be washed. So now, she has no clean socks to wear. Now, this is winter and it can be cold without socks. But we didn't go soft. The agreement was made and she did not follow and now had to bear the consequences of not having socks to wear going out into the cold in winter.

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Does it hurt us as parents knowing that she did not have socks to wear in the cold?

[Audience: Yes!]

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Did we soften our stance?

[Audience: No!]

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Did my wife go upstairs to check her room for dirty clothes to bring down to the laundry to wash in future?

[Audience: No!]

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Did my daughter remember to bring down her clothes to the laundry in future?

[Audience: Yes!]

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So, we didn't punish her, but we taught her about 'choice and consequences'; and that it is important to keep to agreements.

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Again, people who are valuable always stick to agreements.
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However, be flexible, do not have too many agreements and rules. It is stifling. For me, we have three basic behavioural rules that we do not compromise:

1. Always say hello to the Guest

2. Always say "Thank you"

3. Always smile.

That's all.

Children's glory are not our glory. They all come from different energy streams, that is why they are all different, although nutured the same way by the same parents.
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There are simple experiments where there are several placed in front of the child for the him to pick up. The item he picks up intuitively usually signifies what he is going to be when he grows up. These items usually represents professions like, a pen, a brush, money, a book...etc. It is said to come with pretty good accuracy. I have witnessed a baby who went straight for the money and his next 50 years that was all he did. Though not a very rich man till today! :)

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[Side tracked] You see you can't run after money. If you do, money runs away from you. This is what this man did. I have seen him for 50 years myself, always going after money. Those of you who have attended my Rich People Poor People Seminar, you would know that it is not about money. It is about loving people.

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[My comment: Essentially, it is about "Loving People, Using Money", NOT "Loving Money, Using People"]

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Parents by Themselves Again!

We don't own our children. Children come through you but not from you. They have their own life. Two persons who didn't know about each other when they are born will one day be closest to each other. They will be more important to each other than they are to their parents. This will come to your children too, if it hasn't happen yet. So release our children.

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If your own lives are fulfilled, you don't look at other people's lives, including your children's. If you worry and worry about your children's lives, it is an indication that your own lives are not fulfilled. Right or not?

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Hello? Are you there? Why no answer (response)?

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[Laughter!!! We are all in deep reflection!!!!]

[My comment: We are all wondering if we are actors in the plot.]

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So live your life. Don't put your life on 'hold' and wait for the children to grow up.

Would it be terrible to have your tombstone one day saying,

"Died 20, Buried 80"?

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Children will be grown and gone, but the spouse will still be there. [Well, mostly. :) ]

Remember what makes your spirit sing!

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Remember for wives, your first 'child' is always a 'son' - your husband. But don't be his 'mother'.

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Usually, after the birth of the first child, the husband becomes number 2 to the wife. This is not fair to the man, as she has asked him to share his life with her. Over time, frustrated, the man will look for a number 1 elsewhere. Man can love more than one wife at the same time, they can cope up with it emotionally. Women can't. If the relationship is wrecked, it will be hard to rebuild it after the children are gone. Your future is not with your children.

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If you don't have a spiritual relationship with your spouse, you can't have a spiritual relationship with your children.

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Many married people are very lonely. It's all about duties and responsibilities. Spouses are not talking to one another. It is also hard to release their emotional problems to friends as they are too private and personal.

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Most men are angry!

Most women are frustrated!

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Most men are angry, because they are doing so much and getting so little reward. Most men regard themselves as breadwinners - bringing back money to feed the family.

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Most women are frustrated, feeling overburdened by too many duties and responsibilities.

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So set the first half an hour for yourself everyday - whatever that is. If you are too busy for that day, then set the last half of the day for yourself.

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Women who don't give something for themselves may get breast cancer later on in their lives.

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Case Studies

During the break, I have spoken to some of you regarding your encounters with your children. May I share some cases with the class?

[nods from them...]

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Now, Adip (not real name), you have caned your daughter recently. After the caning, you tried apologising to her, but she refused to accept the apology. Even when you wanted to bring her for a holiday to Malacca together, she turned you down.

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I tell you, going for holidays will not solve the problem. You need to seek her forgiveness first. And when you apologise, do it properly, don't go on something like, "I am sorry, but if you had been a good girl, I wouldn't have gotten so angry and caned you...etc".

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Emotional abuses are very hard to overcome. Physically abused children will grow up to become parents who will physically abuse their children. Abused children will find it hard to be close to their parents.

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[Question: But I think it is good to use the cane sometimes.

Answer: First of all, don't look at incidents in life as 'good' or 'bad', but 'choice and consequences'.

Think. What consequences will you get out of caning your child?"]

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In another separate case, there is a mother among you who gets everything ready for the son, but yet things are not working out. Think of it, if you do everything for your son, is there a life for him? He feels controlled.

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We have to differentiate between love and control.

Consider the following scenario in a commercial aircraft...

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Passenger : Coffee please!

Stewardess: No, I think Cuppucino is better for you!

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It wouldn't work well would it?

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Control brings disastrous results.

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[At this point, someone volunteered to share a case study...

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"My father-in-law had a very bossy mother who controlled his life. He lived a lonely childhood as he didn't have siblings to play with and his mother didn't allow his friends to play with him at home. When he grew up, he married a woman who is also very bossy and controlled his life. He was a teacher but hated teaching, because the children ran circles around him and made fun of him. Gradually, he lost most of his other interests. Life was reduced to just work and home, and Sundays at the church.

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Then just after his retirement, he got a severe kind of dementia and was bedridden for 2 years, before passing away. Miserable sight.

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His daughter wanted to pre-empt history repeating itself and consciously married a man with the can-do attitude, a definite opposite to her father's character. That worked in the beginning, but later that fell out too. Her programming at the age of 0-7 years was already too strong in her.

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Control has caused so much harm to this very intelligent and gentle man. Isn't it sad! ]

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People who lived a controlled life, didn't have a life and wants to forget their miseries. This is burned into their sub-conscious and resulted in Alzheimer. *sigh*

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[Comment from the Audience: But children change their interests ever so frequently when they grow up.]

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Of course they do. When my son was little, he told me he is going to sell fish. We encouraged him. We say if you are going to sell fish, be the biggest fish seller around. But did he end up selling fish? No. It doesn't really matter if he sold fish, the point is that we should support them and bring the greatness out in them.

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Bring out the greatness in Children!
So, always bring out the greatness in your child. Support their interests and aspirations. Encourage them to do things.
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I was once asked to give a talk to some children from an orphanage. Before I started, I was told to beware of one of the boys who was said to be a 'trouble-maker'. This boy seemed to be a withdrawn quiet boy. He said nothing much.

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Then after the break, he took a stack of papers and placed them on my table and said, "This for you!" and walked away. When I looked what was on the papers, I was amazed. This is one good comic artist in the making. He drew many dragons, naming them and drawing stories about them...etc. He even wanted to call himself 'dragon'.

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Immediately, I identified that perhaps he should go to a drawing school. So I asked him, "Would you like to go to a school where you only draw?"

"Only draw, can. I go", he said.

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So now, he is in the art school. Some other participants from my "A Course in Miracles" seminar in Kuala Lumpur, also chipped in to sponsor this talented boy. So you see, we all have different passions and talents, that are waiting to be talented.

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[My comment: In fact, only 30% of children are naturally academically inclined. But we are forcing everyone to go through the same education!]

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Divine mothers always want to remind you of your greatness.

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We need to live a happy life without control or co-dependence. We don't need the 'approval' fo anyone to be happy. If don't need approval, we are free. There is no need to be afraid that others will not love me and no need to abuse ourselves so that others will love me.

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Do I love myself so little?

When children fight, let them fight. As long as they are not hitting below the belt or using knives or sticks, let them fight. Ask them what each of them has done to get there. Teach them about choice and consequences. Don't take sides.

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[Question: We started buying toys for both my boys and told them they have to share them harmoniously. If they fight, there will be no more toys for them in future. This seemed to work. Is this strategy healthy?

Answer: Is this done with as an agreement with them?

Questioner: Yes.

Answer: Then it is ok. As long as there are agreements and stuck to, it is fine.]

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What if it all still go wrong despite doing all the above?

We have to accept whatever comes to our children.

What happened if they get pregnant? Become a drug addict...etc.

Of course we teach them to stay away from these problems but it is still their choices and consequences.

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But if you love them and praise them you reduce the chance of them being a drug addict or a delinquent...etc, because they will be trying so hard to make you happy and not disappoint you.

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We had once asked all our children around the table if they ever got drunk. To our surprise, they all owned up to having one experience (though we had advised them not to get drunk). Then we asked them how it felt and they said that they felt awful and will never want to do it again! Ok, we have asked them not to, but being kids they still did it, but the difference is that they open up to us and told us it was awful and will not do it again!

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We do not know when greatness will come up.

There is a saying that "The Master was once a disaster".

The City Harvest church founder, for instance, was once a drug addict.

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[This reminded me of a talk by Ajahn Brahm when he spoke about his father telling him one evening by a side street in England,

"Son, no matter what happened my door is always open for you."

Years later Ajahn Brahm read that his father meant that his heart is always open for him.]
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We can only set good examples for them to follow. For instance, it will be futile to tell the child to study if they have not seen you picking up a book to read. So we can only love them and guide them in their lives. Changing from 'ownership' to 'stewardship'.

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The seminar ended here. The day seemed to have passed so quickly as we all got so absorbed as we contemplated so deeply within ourselves to see how well (or badly) we have performed thus far as spiritual parents.

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Feel free to leave any comments. Let's start an online community! :)

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All financial surpluses from the seminar go to the orphanages that Dr Aaron Lim supports.